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Jewish Wedding Traditions and Jewish Wedding
Customs Written by
Chana Karden
The purpose of
marriage in the Bible are for companionship and
procreation.
In the past, they were usually arranged by parents,
but the bride's consent was asked.
Jewish weddings can occur any day of the week except
the Sabbath, Jewish festivals,
the three weeks between the 17th of Tammuz and the
9th of Av, and the "sefirah" period
Passover & Shavuot (Lag Ba-Omer and other
exceptions).
It is customary
for the bride to wear white and a headdress & veil.
Jews from oriental countries wear elaborate costumes
richly embroidered.
The groom may wear a "kittel" (a white garment)
along with a tallit.
Before the
ceremony, the groom, in the presence of witnesses,
undertakes an act of "kinyan" (the obligations of
the Ketubah).
This is done by taking a handkerchief or some other
object by the Rabbi,
lifting it and returning it. The groom and witnesses
then sign the Ketubah.
The groom is then led to the "Huppah" by two male
relatives facing Jerusalem.
The bride is led in by the Mothers usually to the
accompaniment of a blessing
of welcome chanted by the Rabbi. Sometimes the bride
is led in 7 circles
around the groom to ward off evil spirits.
The bride
stands to the right of the groom and the Rabbi
recites the marriage blessings
over a goblet of wine. Both the bride & groom then
drink from the glass.
The groom places the wedding ring on the forefinger
of the bride's right hand and recites
the marriage formula. The "ketubah" (marriage
contract) is then read and the 7 marriage
benedictions are recited.
In most
ceremonies, the groom then crushes the glass under
his right foot
and the Rabbi invokes the "priestly blessings". The
couple is then escorted away.
TERMS OF
INTEREST:
Huppah: The
term was originally referred to as the bridal canopy
or bridal chamber.
It consists of a cloth spread on four staves. The
cloth can be of an elaborate design
or a large Talis may be spread over the staves.
The Ring: It
has become universal Jewish practice to use a ring,
except in a few
communities where a coin is used. The ring must
belong to the bridegroom and be
free of any precious stones. In the ceremony, the
groom gives the ring to the bride
as an act of acquisition and the bride, by accepting
it, becomes his wife.
Ketubah: It is
a document recording, in Aramaic, the financial
obligations which the
husband undertakes toward his wife in respect of
their marriage. It was instituted for
the purpose of protecting the woman so that the
husband would not find it easy to divorce her.
www.jewishbride.com
The
Torah
provides very little guidance with regard to the procedures of a
marriage. The method of finding a spouse, the form of the
wedding ceremony, and the nature of the marital relationship are
all explained in the
Talmud.
According to the
Talmud, Rav
Yehuda taught that 40 days before a male child is conceived, a
voice from heaven announces whose daughter he is going to marry,
literally a match made in heaven! In
Yiddish,
this perfect match is called "bashert," a word meaning fate or
destiny. The word "bashert" can be used to refer to any kind of
fortuitous good match, such as finding the perfect job or the
perfect house, but it is usually used to refer to one's soul
mate. There are a number of statements in the Talmud that would
seem to contradict the idea of bashert, most notably the many
bits of advice on choosing a wife. Nevertheless, the idea has a
strong hold within the Jewish community: look at any listing of
Jewish personal ads and you're bound to find someone "Looking
for my bashert."
Finding your bashert doesn't mean that your
marriage will be trouble-free. Marriage, like everything
worthwhile in life, requires dedication, effort and energy. Even
when two people are meant for each other, it is possible for
them to ruin their marriage. That is why Judaism allows
divorce.
Although the first marriage is bashert, it
is still possible to have a good and happy marriage with a
second spouse. The Talmud teaches that
G-d also
arranges second marriages, and a man's second wife is chosen
according to his merits.
How do you know if you have found your
bashert? Should you hold off on marrying someone for fear that
the person you want to marry might not be your bashert, and
there might be a better match out there waiting for you? The
traditional view is that you cannot know who your bashert is,
but once you get married, the person you married is by
definition your bashert, so you should not let concerns about
finding your bashert discourage you from marrying someone.
And while we're on the subject of G-d
arranging marriages, I should share this delightful
midrash: it
is said that a Roman woman asked a
rabbi, if
your G-d created the universe in six days, then what has he been
doing with his time since then? The rabbi said that G-d has been
arranging marriages. The Roman woman scoffed at this, saying
that arranging marriages was a simple task, but the rabbi
assured her that arranging marriages properly is as difficult as
parting the Red Sea. To prove the rabbi wrong, the Roman woman
went home and took a thousand male slaves and a thousand female
slaves and matched them up in marriages. The next day, the
slaves appeared before her, one with a cracked skull, another
with a broken leg, another with his eye gouged out, all asking
to be released from their marriages. The woman went back to the
rabbi and said, "There is no god like your G-d, and your
Torah is
true."
Mishnah Kiddushin 1:1
specifies that a woman is acquired (i.e., to be a wife) in three
ways: through money, a contract, and sexual intercourse.
Ordinarily, all three of these conditions are satisfied,
although only one is necessary to effect a binding marriage.
Acquisition by money is normally satisfied
by the wedding ring. It is important to note that although money
is one way of "acquiring" a wife, the woman is not being bought
and sold like a piece of property or a slave. This is obvious
from the fact that the amount of money involved is nominal
(according to the
Mishnah, a
perutah, a copper coin of the lowest denomination, was
sufficient). In addition, if the woman were being purchased like
a piece of property, it would be possible for the husband to
resell her, and clearly it is not. Rather, the wife's acceptance
of the money is a symbolic way of demonstrating her acceptance
of the husband, just like acceptance of the contract or the
sexual intercourse.
To satisfy the requirements of acquisition
by money, the ring must belong to the groom. It cannot be
borrowed, although it can be a gift from a relative. It must be
given to the wife irrevocably. In addition, the ring's value
must be known to the wife, so that there can be no claim that
the husband deceived her into marrying by misleading her as to
its value.
In all cases, the Talmud specifies that a
woman can be acquired only with her consent, and not without it.
Kiddushin 2a-b.
As part of the wedding ceremony, the
husband gives the wife a ketubah. The word "Ketubah" comes from
the root
Kaf-Tav-Beit, meaning "writing." The ketubah is also called the
marriage contract. The ketubah spells out the husband's
obligations to the wife during marriage, conditions of
inheritance upon his death, and obligations regarding the
support of children of the marriage. It also provides for the
wife's support in the event of
divorce.
There are standard conditions; however, additional conditions
can be included by mutual agreement. Marriage agreements of this
sort were commonplace in the ancient Semitic world.
The ketubah has much in common with
prenuptial agreements, which are gaining popularity in the
United States. In the U.S., such agreements were historically
disfavored, because it was believed that planning for divorce
would encourage divorce, and that people who considered the
possibility of divorce shouldn't be marrying. Although one
rabbi in the
Talmud
expresses a similar opinion, the majority maintained that a
ketubah discouraged divorce, by serving as a constant reminder
of the husband's substantial financial obligations if he
divorced his wife.
The ketubah is often a beautiful work of
calligraphy, framed and displayed in the home.
The process of marriage occurs in two
distinct stages: kiddushin (commonly translated as betrothal)
and nisuin (full-fledged marriage). Kiddushin occurs when the
woman accepts the money, contract or sexual relations offered by
the prospective husband. The word "kiddushin" comes from the
root
Qof-Dalet-Shin, meaning "sanctified." It reflects the sanctity
of the marital relation. However, the root word also connotes
something that is set aside for a specific (sacred) purpose, and
the ritual of kiddushin sets aside the woman to be the wife of a
particular man and no other.
Kiddushin is far more binding than an
engagement as we understand the term in modern English; in fact,
Rambam speaks of a period of engagement before the
kiddushin. Once kiddushin is complete, the woman is legally the
wife of the man. The relationship created by kiddushin can only
be dissolved by death or divorce. However, the spouses do not
live together at the time of the kiddushin, and the mutual
obligations created by the marital relationship do not take
effect until the nisuin is complete.
The nisuin (from a word meaning
"elevation") completes the process of marriage. The husband
brings the wife into his home and they begin their married life
together.
In the past, the kiddushin and nisuin would
routinely occur as much as a year apart. During that time, the
husband would prepare a home for the new family. There was
always a risk that during this long period of separation, the
woman would discover that she wanted to marry another man, or
the man would disappear, leaving the woman in the awkward state
of being married but without a husband. Today, the two
ceremonies are normally performed together.
Because marriage under Jewish law is
essentially a private contractual agreement between a man and a
woman, it does not require the presence of a
rabbi or any
other religious official. It is common, however, for rabbis to
officiate, partly in imitation of the Christian practice and
partly because the presence of a religious or civil official is
required under United States civil law.
As you can see, it is very easy to make a
marriage, so the rabbis instituted severe punishments (usually
flogging and compelled divorce) where marriage was undertaken
without proper planning and solemnity.
It is customary for the bride and groom not
to see each other for a week preceding the wedding. On the
Shabbat of
that week, it is customary among
Ashkenazic
Jews for the groom to have an
aliyah (the
honor of reciting a blessing over the
Torah reading).
This aliyah is known as an ufruf. There are exuberant
celebrations in the synagogue at this time. Throwing candy at
the bride and groom to symbolize the sweetness of the event is
common (Soft candy, of course! Usually Sunkist Fruit Gems, which
are kosher).
Traditionally, the day before the wedding,
both the bride and the groom fast.
Before the ceremony, the bride is veiled,
in remembrance of the fact that Rebecca veiled her face when she
was first brought to
Isaac to be
his wife.
The ceremony itself lasts 20-30 minutes,
and consists of the kiddushin and the nisuin. For the kiddushin,
the bride approaches and circles the groom. Two blessings are
recited over wine: one the standard blessing over wine and the
other regarding the commandments related to marriage. The man
then places the ring on woman's finger and says "Be sanctified (mekudeshet)
to me with this ring in accordance with the law of
Moses and
Israel."
After the kiddushin is complete, the
ketubah is read aloud.
The nisuin then proceeds. The bride and
groom stand beneath the chuppah, a canopy held up by four poles,
symbolic of their dwelling together and of the husband's
bringing the wife into his home. The importance of the chuppah
is so great that the wedding ceremony is sometimes referred to
as the chuppah. The bride and groom recite seven
blessings
(sheva brakhos) in the presence of a
minyan
(prayer quorum of 10 adult Jewish men). The essence of each of
the seven blessings is:
- ... who has created everything for his
glory
- ... who fashioned the Man
- ... who fashioned the Man in His image
...
- ... who gladdens Zion through her
children
- ... who gladdens groom and bride
- ... who created joy and gladness ...
who gladdens the groom with the bride
- and the standard prayer over wine.
The couple then drinks the wine.
The groom smashes a glass (or a small
symbolic piece of glass) with his right foot, to symbolize the
destruction of the
Temple.
The couple then retires briefly to a
completely private room, symbolic of the groom bringing the wife
into his home.
This is followed by a festive meal, which
is followed by a repetition of the sheva brakhos. Exuberant
music and dancing traditionally accompany the ceremony and the
reception.
You will rarely hear the traditional "Here
Comes the Bride" wedding march at a Jewish wedding. This song,
more accurately known as the Bridal Chorus from Lohengrin,
was written by antisemitic composer Richard Wagner. He was
Hitler's favorite composer, and it is said that the Nazis used
to broadcast Wagner's songs over the concentration camps. For
this reason, Jews have been understandably reluctant to play his
music at our weddings. Awareness of this historical tidbit is
fading, though, as is that reluctance.
Marriage is vitally important in Judaism.
Refraining from marriage is not considered holy, as it is in
some other religions. On the contrary, it is considered
unnatural. The
Talmud says that an unmarried man is constantly thinking of
sin. The Talmud tells of a
rabbi who was
introduced to a young unmarried rabbi. The older rabbi told the
younger one not to come into his presence again until he was
married.
Marriage is not solely, or even primarily,
for the purpose of procreation. Traditional sources recognize
that companionship, love and intimacy are the primary purposes
of marriage, noting that woman was created in Gen. 2:18 because
"it is not good for man to be alone," rather than because she
was necessary for procreation.
According to the
Torah and the
Talmud, a
man was permitted to marry more than one wife, but a woman could
not marry more than one man. Although polygyny was permitted, it
was never common. The Talmud never mentions any
rabbi with
more than one wife. Around 1000
C.E.,
Ashkenazic
Jewry banned polygyny because of pressure from the
predominant Christian culture. It continued to be permitted for
Sephardic
Jews in Islamic lands for many years. To the present day,
Yemenite
and Ethiopian
Jews continue to practice polygyny; however, the modern
state of Israel
allows only one wife. Those who move to Israel with more than
one wife are permitted to remain married to all of the existing
wives, but cannot marry additional ones.
A husband is responsible for providing his
wife with food, clothing and
sexual relations
(Ex. 21:10), as well as anything else specified in the ketubah.
Marital sexual relations are the woman's right, not the man's. A
man cannot force his wife to engage in sexual relations with
him, nor is he permitted to abuse his wife in any way (a
practice routinely permitted in Western countries until quite
recently).
A married woman retains ownership of any
property she brought to the marriage, but the husband has the
right to manage the property and to enjoy profits from the
property.
The minimum age for marriage under Jewish
law is 13 for boys, 12 for girls; however, the kiddushin can
take place before that, and often did in medieval times. The
Talmud
recommends that a man marry at age 18, or somewhere between 16
and 24.
The
Torah sets
forth a laundry list of prohibited relations. Such marriages are
never valid. A man cannot marry certain close blood relatives,
the ex-wives of certain close blood relatives, a woman who has
not been validly divorced from her previous husband, the
daughter or granddaughter of his ex-wife, or the sister of his
ex-wife during the ex-wife's life time. For a complete list, see
613
Mitzvot (Commandments).
The offspring of such a marriage are
mamzerim (bastards, illegitimate), and subject to a variety of
restrictions; however it is important to note that only the
offspring of these incestuous or forbidden marriages are
mamzerim. Children born out of wedlock are not mamzerim in
Jewish law and bear no stigma, unless the marriage would have
been prohibited for the reasons above. Children of a married man
and a woman who is not his wife are not mamzerim (because the
marriage between the parents would not have been prohibited),
although children of a married woman and a man who is not her
husband are mamzerim (because she could not have married him).
There are other classes of marriages that
are not permitted, but that are valid if they occur and that do
not make the children mamzerim. The marriage of minors, of a Jew
to a non-Jew, and of a
kohein to
the prohibited classes of women discussed below fall into this
category.
A kohein is not permitted to marry a
divorcee, a convert, a promiscuous woman, a woman who is the
offspring of a forbidden marriage to a kohein, or a woman who is
the widow of a man who died childless but who has been released
from the obligation to marry her husband's brother. A kohein who
marries such a woman is disqualified from his duties as a
kohein, as are all the offspring of that marriage.
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